My Own Delicious Brew of Retro-Futurism

In case some of you are blind, or have an enormous lack of memory retention, I am a giant fan of retro futurism. This is mostly because I like to laugh at how horribly and hilariously wrong they were. But today, rather than show an amusing television segment or image, I decided to cook up my own intensely delicious brew of retro futurism (hence the title). That's right loyal followers, today, your favorite writer will make his own predictions for the world of the quasi-distant future...the world of 2065!!

1. Undoubtedly, by this time man has discovered a cure all pill, or injection, that does not turn us all into brainless zombies. This pill will have a cheesy, typical medicine name, somewhere along the lines of Curex or Curisté .

2. Because of this new found immunity to everything, hospitals around the world will be converted for new several new uses. These could include, but are certainly not limited to-

A) Condos! This is very convenient for those who don't have time to redecorate, as they already come pre furnished with electronic beds, those swinging arm televisions, and comfortable reclining arm chairs. Not to mention that beautiful wall-paper abundant in so many of our nations healthcare centers

B) As Turkish Bath houses! What better to do with all those sinks? It also has the added advantage of hundred of operating and morgue tables, which can be easily made into a relaxing massage table!

C) Japanese style hotels! What else are you going to do with those morgue drawers?

and...

D) Prisons! All those operating and holding rooms would make excellent cells!

3. Toyota will have invented the silent car. This results in the residential and commercial areas surrounding major roads losing their labels as slums, an instead become increasingly upper middle-class. Unfortunately, this also leads to many more auto accidents. You just don't hear 'em coming.

4. We now, of course, all have robotic servants. In fact, the robot has replaced all of our servicemen, including firemen, police officers, cleaners, operators, and telemarketers. The last two cause the men and women of tomorrow much frustration, and many screaming matches against the telephone. The robots don't seem to mind...yet

5. Speaking of telephones, the interface of the telephone has changed drastically. Rather than touch dials, the phone, along with many other consumer electronics is now completely operated by voice. Best of all? The voice command actually works, unlike the unsophisticated phones of today.

6. Television will now be controlled by the consumer. Don't like what's playing at the moment? Then simply tell your television what to play! You will immediately be watching what you ordered.

7. Cars will now be self driven. Finally. This has been promised to us for over sixty years, and now we'll finally get it. There will also finally be hover cars. Hells yes.

8. Everybody, man, woman and child, will own at least three bright silver jumpsuits. For no particular reason. Otherwise, people's wardrobes remain largely the same.

9. All books will now be made from holographic see through pads. This is due to a governmental ban on paper to help save the trees.

10. Homes, like sunflowers, will now rotate with the sun.

I can't wait to see if any of these come true....

The Life and Times of Johnny

Gather around, my sweet followers, get your night caps and hot cocoa, and prepare yourself for a lovely story, served up Max-style. Today, I will be telling you all the tale of Johnny.

Once upon a time, their was a little boy named Johnny, who was quite fond of wearing short-shorts. He enjoyed wandering around his neighborhood, terrorizing the neighbors, until one day he met an equally short-shorts loving neighbor who took him in, and let him throw strangely shaped balls at his furniture.



Unfortunately, Johnny didn't take well to the neighbor, for he had an extremely creepy voice, which made Johnny believe he was a major creeper. Another thing that made him dislike his neighbor was the constant mixed messages he gave him. This would affect him very much later in life.

But only in the long term. Now, Johnny is a sophomore in high school, who still continues to love short-shorts. This might explain why his prom date felt the urge to get up on stage and compose a song simply to question his sexuality. In front of everybody.

This unfortunate event, however, lead him to meet the girl of his dreams. Sadly however, their love was not meant to be, for she instead married an abusive jerk. But at least they continued to have rather depressing phone conversations, right? Now, Johnny settled for pretending he was holding her. Needless to say, he was mostly quite drunk when he did so.

Overcome by woe, Johnny became despondent, and quite absent minded thanks to his constant drinks. So, to stop being lonely, he bought a mail order bride. Unfortunately, they didn't get along. His wife, Mary, constantly reminded him of his slow wits. She even hired a man to constantly announce/sing about their lives, and how unfocused Johnny was.

Robert Palmer - Johnny and Mary
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then he died.

*closing book* Now! wasn't that a fun, cheery bedtime story? Oh, stop crying, it wasn't that bad! Now, sleep tight!

This One's For You, Evil Robotic Crab of Doom.

Hello my loyal followers. I"m afraid your favorite writer in the world (me in case you've forgotten) is currently in quite a state of distress. You see, my life has been turned upside down by a horrendous robotic crab who insists on baraging me with miniature grenades. I assure you that he is quite dangerous, and you should be on the lookout for him. If you see him, I ask that you please report him to the authorities. Here is a photo for reference.

Look at him. Not only does he attack me with his bombs, but he insists on stealing all of my golden rings! Can you believe his absolute gaul?

In case some of my more new age readers are confused, and don't get the post, I should say that I've become addicted to playing Sonic the Hedgehog online. I can never get past the first level with this stupid crab! So, I have something I'd like to say to this mischief making miscreant, and there's only one way I can say it-Through song!


This one's for you, oh hated one...


I'M GONNA GETCHA!