The Life and Times of Johnny

Gather around, my sweet followers, get your night caps and hot cocoa, and prepare yourself for a lovely story, served up Max-style. Today, I will be telling you all the tale of Johnny.

Once upon a time, their was a little boy named Johnny, who was quite fond of wearing short-shorts. He enjoyed wandering around his neighborhood, terrorizing the neighbors, until one day he met an equally short-shorts loving neighbor who took him in, and let him throw strangely shaped balls at his furniture.



Unfortunately, Johnny didn't take well to the neighbor, for he had an extremely creepy voice, which made Johnny believe he was a major creeper. Another thing that made him dislike his neighbor was the constant mixed messages he gave him. This would affect him very much later in life.

But only in the long term. Now, Johnny is a sophomore in high school, who still continues to love short-shorts. This might explain why his prom date felt the urge to get up on stage and compose a song simply to question his sexuality. In front of everybody.

This unfortunate event, however, lead him to meet the girl of his dreams. Sadly however, their love was not meant to be, for she instead married an abusive jerk. But at least they continued to have rather depressing phone conversations, right? Now, Johnny settled for pretending he was holding her. Needless to say, he was mostly quite drunk when he did so.

Overcome by woe, Johnny became despondent, and quite absent minded thanks to his constant drinks. So, to stop being lonely, he bought a mail order bride. Unfortunately, they didn't get along. His wife, Mary, constantly reminded him of his slow wits. She even hired a man to constantly announce/sing about their lives, and how unfocused Johnny was.

Robert Palmer - Johnny and Mary
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then he died.

*closing book* Now! wasn't that a fun, cheery bedtime story? Oh, stop crying, it wasn't that bad! Now, sleep tight!