Sunday, January 30, 2011

My Own Delicious Brew of Retro-Futurism

In case some of you are blind, or have an enormous lack of memory retention, I am a giant fan of retro futurism. This is mostly because I like to laugh at how horribly and hilariously wrong they were. But today, rather than show an amusing television segment or image, I decided to cook up my own intensely delicious brew of retro futurism (hence the title). That's right loyal followers, today, your favorite writer will make his own predictions for the world of the quasi-distant future...the world of 2065!!

1. Undoubtedly, by this time man has discovered a cure all pill, or injection, that does not turn us all into brainless zombies. This pill will have a cheesy, typical medicine name, somewhere along the lines of Curex or Curisté .

2. Because of this new found immunity to everything, hospitals around the world will be converted for new several new uses. These could include, but are certainly not limited to-

A) Condos! This is very convenient for those who don't have time to redecorate, as they already come pre furnished with electronic beds, those swinging arm televisions, and comfortable reclining arm chairs. Not to mention that beautiful wall-paper abundant in so many of our nations healthcare centers
B) As Turkish Bath houses! What better to do with all those sinks? It also has the added advantage of hundred of operating and morgue tables, which can be easily made into a relaxing massage table!
C) Japanese style hotels! What else are you going to do with those morgue drawers?
D) Prisons! All those operating and holding rooms would make excellent cells!

3. Toyota will have invented the silent car. This results in the residential and commercial areas surrounding major roads losing their labels as slums, an instead become increasingly upper middle-class. Unfortunately, this also leads to many more auto accidents. You just don't hear 'em coming.

4. We now, of course, all have robotic servants. In fact, the robot has replaced all of our servicemen, including firemen, police officers, cleaners, operators, and telemarketers. The last two cause the men and women of tomorrow much frustration, and many screaming matches against the telephone. The robots don't seem to mind...yet

5. Speaking of telephones, the interface of the telephone has changed drastically. Rather than touch dials, the phone, along with many other consumer electronics is now completely operated by voice. Best of all? The voice command actually works, unlike the unsophisticated phones of today.

6. Television will now be controlled by the consumer. Don't like what's playing at the moment? Then simply tell your television what to play! You will immediately be watching what you ordered.

7. Cars will now be self driven. Finally. This has been promised to us for over sixty years, and now we'll finally get it. There will also finally be hover cars. Hells yes.

8. Everybody, man, woman and child, will own at least three bright silver jumpsuits. For no particular reason. Otherwise, people's wardrobes remain largely the same.

9. All books will now be made from holographic see through pads. This is due to a governmental ban on paper to help save the trees.

10. Homes, like sunflowers, will now rotate with the sun.

I can't wait to see if any of these come true....

Friday, January 21, 2011

The Life and Times of Johnny

Gather around, my sweet followers, get your night caps and hot cocoa, and prepare yourself for a lovely story, served up Max-style. Today, I will be telling you all the tale of Johnny.

Once upon a time, their was a little boy named Johnny, who was quite fond of wearing short-shorts. He enjoyed wandering around his neighborhood, terrorizing the neighbors, until one day he met an equally short-shorts loving neighbor who took him in, and let him throw strangely shaped balls at his furniture.

Unfortunately, Johnny didn't take well to the neighbor, for he had an extremely creepy voice, which made Johnny believe he was a major creeper. Another thing that made him dislike his neighbor was the constant mixed messages he gave him. This would affect him very much later in life.

But only in the long term. Now, Johnny is a sophomore in high school, who still continues to love short-shorts. This might explain why his prom date felt the urge to get up on stage and compose a song simply to question his sexuality. In front of everybody.

This unfortunate event, however, lead him to meet the girl of his dreams. Sadly however, their love was not meant to be, for she instead married an abusive jerk. But at least they continued to have rather depressing phone conversations, right? Now, Johnny settled for pretending he was holding her. Needless to say, he was mostly quite drunk when he did so.

Overcome by woe, Johnny became despondent, and quite absent minded thanks to his constant drinks. So, to stop being lonely, he bought a mail order bride. Unfortunately, they didn't get along. His wife, Mary, constantly reminded him of his slow wits. She even hired a man to constantly announce/sing about their lives, and how unfocused Johnny was.

Robert Palmer - Johnny and Mary
Uploaded by jpdc11. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

then he died.

*closing book* Now! wasn't that a fun, cheery bedtime story? Oh, stop crying, it wasn't that bad! Now, sleep tight!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

This One's For You, Evil Robotic Crab of Doom.

Hello my loyal followers. I"m afraid your favorite writer in the world (me in case you've forgotten) is currently in quite a state of distress. You see, my life has been turned upside down by a horrendous robotic crab who insists on baraging me with miniature grenades. I assure you that he is quite dangerous, and you should be on the lookout for him. If you see him, I ask that you please report him to the authorities. Here is a photo for reference.

Look at him. Not only does he attack me with his bombs, but he insists on stealing all of my golden rings! Can you believe his absolute gaul?

In case some of my more new age readers are confused, and don't get the post, I should say that I've become addicted to playing Sonic the Hedgehog online. I can never get past the first level with this stupid crab! So, I have something I'd like to say to this mischief making miscreant, and there's only one way I can say it-Through song!

This one's for you, oh hated one...


Sunday, December 26, 2010

I'm in Love!

Cupid's arrow has struck me, and hard! All of a sudden, the sun is shining the brighter, little bluebirds are chirping all around me, and I'm faced with sudden urges to sing. Yes, indeed, everything looks brighter, even my future. Who is it, you ask? To which I respond, laughing in your face, "Not who but what!" I've found my dream-house! I always thought that it would come in the form of a giant chateau, or a manor home in England, but then I came across the cutest, most charming home, I've ever met. Sadly, our relationship is only online at the moment, but she's beautiful, I assure you. Here she is!

Just look at it...It's the perfect fifties story-book cottage, combining all of my favorite styles. Can't you just imagine pulling up in your perfect mint green Buick,

to your perfect house, opening the door for your wife, whose carrying a hat-box with a vintage hat nestled inside,

Ah yes, that would be the life. I hope that this house hasn't been demolished since the time that it was built, for then I' be quite disapointed, and my whole fantasy would be ruined! RUINED!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Is It Just Me...

Hello loyal followers! Have you ever experienced a time, when you see something that's supposed to be totally innocent, like a cake, a work of art, or an old ad, and you somehow see something completely obscene? If you have, then your most likely familiar with that thought of "Am I the only one who saw that?" that flashes through your mind. I quite recently, (actually about two minutes ago), found this old advertisement, and the very thought mentioned above came to me. Here's that ad. I'll let you see it before I corrupt your minds with my thoughts on it.

I now ask you to please look at the small paper in the woman's hand. It looks like a dollar, doesn't it? So here's what I see. That woman over there is a prostitute. How else would you explain her alluring posture, her scandalous (for the times) clothes, and the dollar that she obviously just received from that man. Right now, she's sweetening the deal a bit with some nice cold bottles of pepsis. That way, the strange man will be sure to give her a tip.

I really hope I'm not the only one who sees this....

Hope you enjoyed the post,

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Nuclear Fallout Never Looked So Happy!

Hello my loyal followers. So, I was browsing google images looking for vintage advertisements, just for giggles, you know? I was very shocked to find several cheery ads for a not-so-cheery subject; Nuclear Armageddon!!! What is it with the fifties and making every little thing, from nuclear holocaust to cleaning ugly linoleum floors, look so unbelievably happy. Here's our first example of horribly happy posters advertising the end of the civilized world. (that was quite a mouthful)

Look at how happy these two ray of sunshines are building their shelter, which will probably end up failing to protect them from the dreadful effects of radiation poisoning. So smile on, you two, because you won't be smiling for much longer.

On that cheerful note, here's our next poster, which proves one very important lesson-

Just because civilization has destroyed itself and the world is possibly irreversably damaged, and your stuck inside of a dark hole in the ground that's about the size of your closet, doesn't mean you can't smile!

Is it curmudgeon-y of me to be so appalled at these people's happiness? I don't think so. Anyhow, who's ready for the third and final poster? This one's especially horrible, as it advertises a celebration of an actual test bombing. Who celebrates that?!

It makes it sound like such a good thing! Well, at least it made me laugh...

Hope you all loved the post, or at least some-what liked it,

Monday, November 29, 2010

What's SO special about Japan

Hello loyal followers! As most of you should know by now, I'm an enormous fan of eighties music. Indeed, it makes up a good eighty percent or so of my ipod. On one of the many occasions while I was listening to that eighty perent or so of my ipod, I began to notice the strangest of patterns-almost every other song I played mentioned Japan. It was pretty insane. If you don't believe me, than...

A) Shame one you, haven't you learned by now that I'm always right?
B) Read the rest of this post. I'm sure you'll be convinced.

Some of the songs are more obvious than others. Take these three, you know they're going to be talking about Japan just by reading the title.

Here's song number one, which just to let you know, I'm in love with. Big In Japan by Alphaville

This song is just so perfect. But it really does rather put Japan in a negative light, but it does mention it, and thus fits in perfectly in this blog post.

Are you ready for obvious Japan song number two? This one, though it may not seem so, is slightly racey in my opinion. The song is Japanese Boy, by Aneka, one of the most famous English impersonator of a Japanese woman. And possibly the only one.

Isn't it great how she's as pale as snow and she's singing in a fake Japanese voice? And how the only possible description she can give of her boyfriend is that he's Japanese? But however racist the song may be, I still love it to bits and listen to it frequently.

The time has come for the last of our obvious Japan songs. It's really quite confusing, and makes no sense, but it says "Japanese" in a quazi-japanese accent about a hundred or so times, so it counts. Turning Japanes, by the Vapors.

What was with the English back then? Must they do an impression of a Japanese person?
I wonder if this was a drug song...It really makes no sense. Any ideas?

Now here's a much less obvious song. You've probably heard this song before, and didn't even notice the Japan reference. At least, that was the case with me, until I started actually listening to the lyrics rather than just half listening half dancing. It's time for Lies by the Thompson Twins, a recent obsession of mine.

I hate to strau from the subject, but it wouldn't be like me at all if I didn't comment on how extraordinarily creepy this video is. Especially the whole creepy female version of Mike Score coming closer and closer to the screen, eyes wide open and clad with the face of an angry hobo.

That's all I could find that was embedable, there would've been more, but the mean people at you-tube took away the embeding options for most of the videos I wanted to share. Youtube executives, if you are reading this, then I hope your happy. You denied an innocent, handsome, and lovely teenage boy of fullfilment of his ingenious idea for a blog post.

On that happy note, I hope you enjoyed the few songs I COULD post. Hope you all have a lovely day.