Many of us have seen it-ads that simply make you think "Gosh, if those were on today...." I recently found some prime example of these, in it's most pure (or should I say impure?) form. Yes my friends, they are old cigarette commercials! No applause? Very well then....let's begin.
Here's our first smoky specimen, this one with some extra Christmas cheer.
First off, let me start with the giant purple gorilla in the room. What kind of a cheap good-for-nothing buys somebody a cheap pack of cigarettes for christmas? That doesn't even qualify as a stocking stuffer! Plus, your basically giving somebody lung cancer for Christmas, and that certainly doesn't put me in the mood for caroling and merry making.
Up next in our cough inducing agenda is this lovely commercial. Let's see if any of you can guess why it was banned....
Seriously? That was not "kool". This is almost as bad as Joe Camel! You've got to love how truly evil the old corporations used to be. What I find strange about the commercial is how the other child was leaning inside the jacket of the other kid. What in the world was that for?
Our final video is a classic.
Well that totally takes away all former fears I used to have about cigarettes. I mean, now that I know that our wise doctors smoke, I think I might take it up myself! But seriously, this has to be the commercial that time has treated the worst. Wouldn't it be just awful having your doctor puffing smoke in your face during your examination?
Thank goodness smoking has been banned on the air-waves, I couldn't stand having to hear the drible the cigarette companies had to offer us.
It seems that every time I see an old picture of a housewife, the lady in question always looks so disgustingly, nauseatingly happy. What do they have to be happy about? They slaved in a kitchen all day, cleaned after every possible type of mess, and take care of the children. So why smile? They have nothing to smile about! Here are some shining examples of unnecessary happiness.
Who gets so excited over cleaning a pan? It's happiness to the point where it almost looks psychotic. Any minute now, that housewife is going to take that pan she loves so much, go to her car-cleaning husband who she doesn't love so much, and smack him like theres no tomorrow.
Our second cheery housewife, who's been busy mixing some type of strange food for the last sixty years or so, is very creep...err...enthusiastic to meet you. I have a very disturbing feeling that whatever it is she's holding is laden with large amounts of arsenic. It's either that, or a quite different, more "happy" (or halucinagenic...) type of drug.
While our prior housewife was perhaps a bit too claculating, our next one is a bit too...how do I put this gently...laissez faire. for all you non polygots out there, that means devil may care.
I mean, just look at how precariously placed that cake is! It's going to fall at any minute, and there she is, never ceasing to smile, despite her fate. It almost makes me angry.
I can understand smiling while your cooking, as it can often times be great fun. What I most certainly do not understand is smiling while your cleaning. Observe this ray of sunshine over here, mopping away, smiling as if she had just won the publishers clearing house award.
What is soo funny about cleaning a floor? I certainly wouldn't be so happy, cleaning a hideous looking floor, that no matter how clean it gets, will always look disgusting. I also have to mention that the bright pink, puffy apron she's wearing makes her look like she has thunder thighs, giving her even more reason to have a frown on her face.
I don't get these crazy women. Maybe they're being helped out by "Mother's Little Helper" AKA Valium. That must be it, for I can't fathom any other reason. Hope you all liked the post!
Not only is eighties pop extremely entertaining and infectiously catchy, but it's also quite educational! You most likely at this moment are thinking "Silly, silly Max! What possibly could you learn from that?" with a slight smile. Well, all you neigh-saying followers, I shall prove you wrong, with this intensely lovely list of what I've learned from this fantastic style of music.
1. Don't EVER release ninety-nine red balloons at the same time, lest you start a horrific global nuclear war.
2. Don't leave your home, or a crazed and angry Allison Moyet will come after you. I fancy your chances for escape are next to none.
3. Though its where-abouts are unknown, the look of love is the one thing in the world that "still holds true"
4. No matter what you do, you must continue to feel fascination.
5. Don't trust anybody who doesn't like Mondays.
6. When hosting a dinner party, never place a defunct radio star next to a video producer. This is bound to start a quite uncomfortable fight.
7. The absolute ONLY way to live is in cars. That, and in strange pyramid-like neon structures.
8. The history of the United States as told by a family who lives forever in a kitchen.
9. If you do not call Deborah Herry, she will yell at you. Even louder than she does in the song.
10. If you want to get things done, don't mess with Major Tom.
You know those songs you hear, that you just innocently sing along too, only to find out at a later time the TRUE meaning of the song? It's just awful how the artists of these songs try to hide it, with catchy beats, danceable synthesizer riffs, and seemingly happy and upbeat lyrics. Then, inevitably, you start quietly singing one of these songs, not even really thinking about it, while doing some chores or something, and then your parents )or significant other, or whomever you share a home with) tell you, in a quite awkward conversation, the true meaning of the song. Then, of course, the song is forever ruined, and constantly skipped in your ipod.
Well, this post is dedicated to those, so I can ruin a couple of songs for you! Partially for purposes of revenge. Wee!
Anywho... here's song number one. With it's catchy piano, and cutesy-clapping, you'd never guess this song is about...
Twelve children being cold heartedly murdered by an insane sixteen year old! Isn't that peachy keen?
Song number two! This song was very popular during the mid eighties, and is infectuously catchy. Just as a fair warning for all of my loyal followers, this song will most likely be stuck in your head for years to come. Enjoy!! It's Your Love, by the Outfield
I rememer one day, I put this song on in the car, and I was just singing along when my dad said "What an awful song!! Have you ever heard the lyrics? Then the light bulb came on. I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOUR LOVE TONIGHT?!?!?! Isn't that what people say to prostitutes? It's possibly the most chauvinistic song ever written.
Here's another song that my dad ruined for me. Well, he didn't really, because I've never been fond of the song myself. So here we are, with Afternoon delight.
First off, I wouldn't be me if I didn't comment on how hilarious "David Cassidy" (whoever he was) looked like. What was he thinking with those awful colors on the set? And what in the world is with having those random jukeboxes in the middle of the stage? Now for the song. I was listening to this song on my ipod speaker, and I commented to my dad "Isn't it weird they made a whole song about eating lunch? I guess it was a more innocent time back them... He then proceeded to tell me that it wasn't at all about eating lunch, but about having sex in the afternoon. Isn't that pleasant? What really bothers me about that is that in one of the lyrics it says "My mother always told me when it's right it's right, why wait until the middle of a cold dark night" what an awkward conversation to have your mom! Who even talks about what time it's best to you know what to anyone, especially their mother! I'd call child services on that woman.
Well here's our penultimate, and possibly most traumatic for me, She Bop by Cyndi Lauper. Let me tell you right now, it's not about dancing.
It's about....hmmm.... how can I say this gently for my more sensitive readers? Ms. Lauper is...having some fun with herself.
Here's my final song for the day, which masquerades as a sweet song of forgiveness. Then you notice the lyrics.....
Human League - Human Uploaded by hushhush112. - Watch more music videos, in HD! So let me get this straight. So because your human, you HAD to cheat on your girlfriend. That is the lamest excuse ever. I can just see that conversation...."Well honey, I mean you were gone for a full WEEK! What was I supposed to do?" Ughh......
Hope you enjoyed my post today, and next time you listen to your favorite songs, listen to the lyrics too. You might be unpleasantly surprised....
Hello loyal followers! I'd like for you to meet my new friend, Box. We met on the set of Logans Run (a lovely film by the way), and we immediately hit it off. Okay, so he might've tried to freeze me with his gun hand, but water under the bridge, right? I know you'll just love him, he's just the nicest guy...So I brought him in for all of you to meet him!
Box, say hi to all my followers!
BOX! We went over this! This is NOT how we greet our friends. Put.The.Gun.Down. We don't kill our friends! What do you mean why not? Box, your scaring away all my followers, now be nice! Why don't you show them your collection? I'm sure they'll like that! Oh God! No! I meant your stamp collection, not your frozen person collection! Are you alway this creepy?
Uhh...Sorry guys, I guess he's having a bad day. Now there's several things I don't understand about our friend Box here. First of all, what person thought that a giant, oddly shaped, toaster-like robot who has an arm that freezes people was a good idea? What purpose could that ever serve?? I can really say that he is the most innecessary "actor" in the world.
So I was trapsing about the internet the other day, and I found this retro futuristic gem. The moment I saw it in google images, I knew that this would lead to a (hopefully) fantastic blog post. Many questions arise when I see this photo, mainly being-
A) Why is the TV still so tiny even thought it's the future?
B) Why do the windows look into a pool? Wouldn't that make for a sort of dark space? and...
C) What in the God's name is that woman so shocked about?
I have a theory about C: I think that she's shocked/and or dissapointed that her sons wearing scuba glasses to a pool. I'd be too, that kid has to have a screw or too loose. It's either that, or she's seriously shocked at what's happening in that baseball game they're showing on TV. I highly doubt that second one seeing that she's facing the opposite direction of the television, and that's the pictures too small for her to tell whats happening.
Next up in the lineup of retro futuristic madness is the Fridgidaire and "Land of Tomorrow" kitchen of the future. This first clip really made me laugh, because of it's sheer stupidity.
Apparently, the kitchen of the future requires modern dance, and a talent in quick changing. I also love the greenish, droopy, and depressing picture of how the cake is going to turn out. If that is how my cake was turning out I'd be pretty bummed out. Another thing that concerns me about the Frigidaire kitchen of the future is how long that cake took to cook! I mean, if she had time to play tennis, eighteen holes of golf, and get back to the house and change back into that strange house dress of heres, that would've taken at least three and a half hours! Some technology that kitchen has....
As for the "Tomorrow land house of the future" (that's a mouthful) kitchen, there's so much to say. First off, why is the dishwasher
a) on the counter,
b) why do you store all your plates in their constantly, and
c) WHY DO YOU HAVE ALL THOSE WHITE PITCHERS IN THERE!!! I mean how many could you need, you only have one child, and you don't run a hotel or anything like that, so why all the pitchers?
Secondly, why do you need a refrigerator for irradiated food? Why would you even bother to keep irradiated food when you have two other refrigerat.... I mean "cold zones" with perfectly fresh food? How did the food get irradiated in the first place!? So many frustrating things about this kitchen, not even mentioning the butt ugly kitchen. I would definitely hate having all plastic everything, not only is it tacky, but also quite ugly! But I guess it matches the rest of the kitchen... I wouldn't cook in that kitchen if they payed me to do it. Well... maybe I would, depending on the price, I suppose.
Here's my last piece of Crazy Retro Futurism, a fantastic depiction of driving home IN THE FUTURE!
They always manage to make everything in the future look so exciting! Even just driving your car home. I don't care if we're driving in a giant rocket like hover car, it's just driving home so relax! That means YOU little girl in the hover craft.
Well that's it for today, sorry for not posting in forever, hope you enjoyed the post!
