Sick of Being Sick

Well, as some of my facebook connected readers may know, I've taken quite ill all this week. It's funny in a way, because I always look forward to sick days, and long cozy days under my most comfortable blanket, but always conveniently forget that being sick hurts. Isn't that the way? Well, there's always a bright side to these matters, and my bright side is that I've gotten a lot more time to write in my blog! I do hope your not all sick of my bi-daily posts that I've recently taken to writing. So anyhow, I just felt like a grumble and a giggle, and I hope I gave you the latter.

Night everyone,

Max

I Hate Remakes.

As many of those who are especially close to me, remakes of incredible songs make me angry to the point of forming green skin, and turning my trousers into short shorts. What especially makes me angry is when the new remake is so unbearably annoying that you have trouble listening through the whole thing. This most tragic of events recently happened to me, while looking up one of my favorite songs, Self Control by Laura Branigan, and I found not only one but TWO horrible remakes.

In case you don't know the beautiful original song, here it is.

Wow. That is one incredible song.

And here's a not so incredible version of it, sang in Hindi. I kid you not.

If that's not the most annoying thing I ever heard, I don't know what is. I also want to know why a badly dressed woman with obviously fake curls is dancing around a warehouse full of giant ice-cubes, while singing to an excersize obsessed man who is clearly ignoring her. Maybe it's an Indian thing...

Time for remake number two! what especially bothers me about this one is how they turned an incredible pop song into one that you'd expect to hear at a seedy strip club.

I mean, seriously, what guy wears a fish-net shirt? And what girl is attracted by men wearing fish-net shirts? That'd be a bit of a turn off for me, at least. Another thing that bothers me is how ugly the main singer is, and yet all those random "creatures of the night" want her desperately. What's so special about her?

Thank you all for listening to my angry rant! I do hope you all agree with me, because if you don't, I'm afraid I'll have to excommunicate you from my life. On that happy note, have a great day!

An Ode to Mondays

As most of you (hopefully) know, today is Monday. As I also hope you know, it is the worst day of the week. What's that you say? You say it's a chance for a fresh new week? A new start? Well I say Hum-bug! We are a culture who have always besmirched Mondays, and we (and me!) don't intend to stop now. To prove all those who oppose of my undoubtably correct opinion, here are a couple of musical numbers to back me up, and really, who can argue with those?

The first song that comes to mind is "Manic Monday" by the Bangles.

Like those five charming ladies, I too wish that it were Sunday. So very, very badly. But then again, I'd much rather it were saturday, but that wouldn't rhyme, now would it?

If that lovely song didn't convince you of my point, then...

a) SHAME ON YOU!

b) WHY NOT?!

c) Prepare yourself for another song!

This one is from the incredible post-punk band ever, New Order.

It's all in the name people! Though I'm not quite sure if it's all in the lyrics...but back to the point! Blue equals sad right? And sad=bad! Hence, one could construe the song to mean that Mondays are the true root of all evil.

Our third, and arguably best song is "I don't like Mondays"

Need I even make a point here? Not only do people not like Mondays, as is evident in the song title, but it leads you to commit hainus acts of murder. If that doesn't convince you I don't know what will.

Well, that's all for today everybody, hope you all had a lot of fun reading, and that I brightened you undoubtably dull and tiresome Monday.

How Times Have Changed

Many of us have seen it-ads that simply make you think "Gosh, if those were on today...." I recently found some prime example of these, in it's most pure (or should I say impure?) form. Yes my friends, they are old cigarette commercials! No applause? Very well then....let's begin.

Here's our first smoky specimen, this one with some extra Christmas cheer.

First off, let me start with the giant purple gorilla in the room. What kind of a cheap good-for-nothing buys somebody a cheap pack of cigarettes for christmas? That doesn't even qualify as a stocking stuffer! Plus, your basically giving somebody lung cancer for Christmas, and that certainly doesn't put me in the mood for caroling and merry making.

Up next in our cough inducing agenda is this lovely commercial. Let's see if any of you can guess why it was banned....

Seriously? That was not "kool". This is almost as bad as Joe Camel! You've got to love how truly evil the old corporations used to be. What I find strange about the commercial is how the other child was leaning inside the jacket of the other kid. What in the world was that for?

Our final video is a classic.

Well that totally takes away all former fears I used to have about cigarettes. I mean, now that I know that our wise doctors smoke, I think I might take it up myself! But seriously, this has to be the commercial that time has treated the worst. Wouldn't it be just awful having your doctor puffing smoke in your face during your examination?

Thank goodness smoking has been banned on the air-waves, I couldn't stand having to hear the drible the cigarette companies had to offer us.

What Are YOU So Happy About?!

It seems that every time I see an old picture of a housewife, the lady in question always looks so disgustingly, nauseatingly happy. What do they have to be happy about? They slaved in a kitchen all day, cleaned after every possible type of mess, and take care of the children. So why smile? They have nothing to smile about! Here are some shining examples of unnecessary happiness.

Who gets so excited over cleaning a pan? It's happiness to the point where it almost looks psychotic. Any minute now, that housewife is going to take that pan she loves so much, go to her car-cleaning husband who she doesn't love so much, and smack him like theres no tomorrow.

Our second cheery housewife, who's been busy mixing some type of strange food for the last sixty years or so, is very creep...err...enthusiastic to meet you.
I have a very disturbing feeling that whatever it is she's holding is laden with large amounts of arsenic. It's either that, or a quite different, more "happy" (or halucinagenic...) type of drug.

While our prior housewife was perhaps a bit too claculating, our next one is a bit too...how do I put this gently...laissez faire. for all you non polygots out there, that means devil may care.

I mean, just look at how precariously placed that cake is! It's going to fall at any minute, and there she is, never ceasing to smile, despite her fate. It almost makes me angry.

I can understand smiling while your cooking, as it can often times be great fun. What I most certainly do not understand is smiling while your cleaning. Observe this ray of sunshine over here, mopping away, smiling as if she had just won the publishers clearing house award.

What is soo funny about cleaning a floor? I certainly wouldn't be so happy, cleaning a hideous looking floor, that no matter how clean it gets, will always look disgusting. I also have to mention that the bright pink, puffy apron she's wearing makes her look like she has thunder thighs, giving her even more reason to have a frown on her face.

I don't get these crazy women. Maybe they're being helped out by "Mother's Little Helper" AKA Valium. That must be it, for I can't fathom any other reason. Hope you all liked the post!

What I've learned from 80s music

Not only is eighties pop extremely entertaining and infectiously catchy, but it's also quite educational! You most likely at this moment are thinking "Silly, silly Max! What possibly could you learn from that?" with a slight smile. Well, all you neigh-saying followers, I shall prove you wrong, with this intensely lovely list of what I've learned from this fantastic style of music.

1. Don't EVER release ninety-nine red balloons at the same time, lest you start a horrific global nuclear war.

2. Don't leave your home, or a crazed and angry Allison Moyet will come after you. I fancy your chances for escape are next to none.

3. Though its where-abouts are unknown, the look of love is the one thing in the world that "still holds true"

4. No matter what you do, you must continue to feel fascination.

5. Don't trust anybody who doesn't like Mondays.

6. When hosting a dinner party, never place a defunct radio star next to a video producer. This is bound to start a quite uncomfortable fight.

7. The absolute ONLY way to live is in cars. That, and in strange pyramid-like neon structures.

8. The history of the United States as told by a family who lives forever in a kitchen.

9. If you do not call Deborah Herry, she will yell at you. Even louder than she does in the song.

10. If you want to get things done, don't mess with Major Tom.

11. One can dance if he so desires, and may also abandon all his friends.

12. If somebody is obsessed with you, they will track you down like a wild butterfly. Yes, it is quite creepy.

13. Do not read your lady-friends diary, or you will die in her arms as retribution.

14. People only fall in love on Fridays.

15. If you really want to go out with a woman, you have to follow her along with your friends, clad in naught but denim overalls.

16. DO NOT turn around. Otherwise, the freshly arrived Komissar will have to have a little talk with you.

17. If you take away the tenderness from a man, he will go crazy and begin to yell maniacally.

18. Students like myself have the beat!

19. Nothing (and I mean nothing) will break the stride of those who travel to China via rowboat.

20. It is highly recommend that if you don't feel like facing depressing memories of a love lost, to stay away from both city streets and cafés.

21. Even if all you feel like doing is loving somebody, you should still eat and sleep. Otherwise, you will die, I'm afraid.

22. Do not take the long way home, as people will think your a depressed actor who believes he is a piece of furniture.

23. Despite other instructions, do not take your girlfriend by her heel, nor force her to do a full hand stand.

24. Contrary to former belief, you CAN turn Japanese.

25. Unfortunately, taking your shoes off and throwing them in the lake does not work as a form of teleportation.

26. Strangely enough, some people do want to be abused.

27. Being the owner of a lonely heart is actually quite better than being the owner of a broken heart.

28. Apparently, Richard Butler's ideal love life includes putting on new faces and placing armies on dance floors. To each his own I suppose.

29. Daryl Hall is quite out of touch.

30. If you ever stop believing, Randy Jackson will be quite angry, and quite possibly go after you with his bass.

31. More people than you might think walk like and Egyptian.

32. Don't mess with Jainie.

33. If you should fall, Cyndi Lauper will be sure to catch you.

34. Mike Score is actually quite fast, and also has an incredible endurance.

35. Asking someone if they really want to hurt you, makes them really want to hurt you.

36. Don't get to close to a scientist if you enjoy having sight.

37. Everybody except people from Brussels dislike those who live in Australia.

38. That comic book people can indeed come alive and show you a very good time.

39. Girls want nothing more than fun!

40. In order to dance, you must have red shoes.

This has hopefully shown you how much YOU can learn from great music.

You Thought They were Sweet.....

You know those songs you hear, that you just innocently sing along too, only to find out at a later time the TRUE meaning of the song? It's just awful how the artists of these songs try to hide it, with catchy beats, danceable synthesizer riffs, and seemingly happy and upbeat lyrics. Then, inevitably, you start quietly singing one of these songs, not even really thinking about it, while doing some chores or something, and then your parents )or significant other, or whomever you share a home with) tell you, in a quite awkward conversation, the true meaning of the song. Then, of course, the song is forever ruined, and constantly skipped in your ipod.

Well, this post is dedicated to those, so I can ruin a couple of songs for you! Partially for purposes of revenge. Wee!

Anywho... here's song number one. With it's catchy piano, and cutesy-clapping, you'd never guess this song is about...

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Boomtown Rats - I Don't Like Mondays
Uploaded by manon42. - See the latest featured music videos.

Twelve children being cold heartedly murdered by an insane sixteen year old! Isn't that peachy keen?

Song number two! This song was very popular during the mid eighties, and is infectuously catchy. Just as a fair warning for all of my loyal followers, this song will most likely be stuck in your head for years to come. Enjoy!! It's Your Love, by the Outfield

I rememer one day, I put this song on in the car, and I was just singing along when my dad said "What an awful song!! Have you ever heard the lyrics? Then the light bulb came on. I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOUR LOVE TONIGHT?!?!?! Isn't that what people say to prostitutes? It's possibly the most chauvinistic song ever written.

Here's another song that my dad ruined for me. Well, he didn't really, because I've never been fond of the song myself. So here we are, with Afternoon delight.

First off, I wouldn't be me if I didn't comment on how hilarious "David Cassidy" (whoever he was) looked like. What was he thinking with those awful colors on the set? And what in the world is with having those random jukeboxes in the middle of the stage? Now for the song. I was listening to this song on my ipod speaker, and I commented to my dad "Isn't it weird they made a whole song about eating lunch? I guess it was a more innocent time back them... He then proceeded to tell me that it wasn't at all about eating lunch, but about having sex in the afternoon. Isn't that pleasant? What really bothers me about that is that in one of the lyrics it says "My mother always told me when it's right it's right, why wait until the middle of a cold dark night" what an awkward conversation to have your mom! Who even talks about what time it's best to you know what to anyone, especially their mother! I'd call child services on that woman.

Well here's our penultimate, and possibly most traumatic for me, She Bop by Cyndi Lauper. Let me tell you right now, it's not about dancing.

It's about....hmmm.... how can I say this gently for my more sensitive readers? Ms. Lauper is...having some fun with herself.

Here's my final song for the day, which masquerades as a sweet song of forgiveness. Then you notice the lyrics.....

Human League - Human
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So let me get this straight. So because your human, you HAD to cheat on your girlfriend. That is the lamest excuse ever. I can just see that conversation...."Well honey, I mean you were gone for a full WEEK! What was I supposed to do?" Ughh......

Hope you enjoyed my post today, and next time you listen to your favorite songs, listen to the lyrics too. You might be unpleasantly surprised....