Cupid's arrow has struck me, and hard! All of a sudden, the sun is shining the brighter, little bluebirds are chirping all around me, and I'm faced with sudden urges to sing. Yes, indeed, everything looks brighter, even my future. Who is it, you ask? To which I respond, laughing in your face, "Not who but what!" I've found my dream-house! I always thought that it would come in the form of a giant chateau, or a manor home in England, but then I came across the cutest, most charming home, I've ever met. Sadly, our relationship is only online at the moment, but she's beautiful, I assure you. Here she is!
Just look at it...It's the perfect fifties story-book cottage, combining all of my favorite styles. Can't you just imagine pulling up in your perfect mint green Buick, to your perfect house, opening the door for your wife, whose carrying a hat-box with a vintage hat nestled inside, Ah yes, that would be the life. I hope that this house hasn't been demolished since the time that it was built, for then I' be quite disapointed, and my whole fantasy would be ruined! RUINED!
Hello loyal followers! Have you ever experienced a time, when you see something that's supposed to be totally innocent, like a cake, a work of art, or an old ad, and you somehow see something completely obscene? If you have, then your most likely familiar with that thought of "Am I the only one who saw that?" that flashes through your mind. I quite recently, (actually about two minutes ago), found this old advertisement, and the very thought mentioned above came to me. Here's that ad. I'll let you see it before I corrupt your minds with my thoughts on it. I now ask you to please look at the small paper in the woman's hand. It looks like a dollar, doesn't it? So here's what I see. That woman over there is a prostitute. How else would you explain her alluring posture, her scandalous (for the times) clothes, and the dollar that she obviously just received from that man. Right now, she's sweetening the deal a bit with some nice cold bottles of pepsis. That way, the strange man will be sure to give her a tip.
I really hope I'm not the only one who sees this....
Hello my loyal followers. So, I was browsing google images looking for vintage advertisements, just for giggles, you know? I was very shocked to find several cheery ads for a not-so-cheery subject; Nuclear Armageddon!!! What is it with the fifties and making every little thing, from nuclear holocaust to cleaning ugly linoleum floors, look so unbelievably happy. Here's our first example of horribly happy posters advertising the end of the civilized world. (that was quite a mouthful) Look at how happy these two ray of sunshines are building their shelter, which will probably end up failing to protect them from the dreadful effects of radiation poisoning. So smile on, you two, because you won't be smiling for much longer.
On that cheerful note, here's our next poster, which proves one very important lesson- Just because civilization has destroyed itself and the world is possibly irreversably damaged, and your stuck inside of a dark hole in the ground that's about the size of your closet, doesn't mean you can't smile!
Is it curmudgeon-y of me to be so appalled at these people's happiness? I don't think so. Anyhow, who's ready for the third and final poster? This one's especially horrible, as it advertises a celebration of an actual test bombing. Who celebrates that?! It makes it sound like such a good thing! Well, at least it made me laugh...
Hope you all loved the post, or at least some-what liked it, Max
Hello loyal followers! As most of you should know by now, I'm an enormous fan of eighties music. Indeed, it makes up a good eighty percent or so of my ipod. On one of the many occasions while I was listening to that eighty perent or so of my ipod, I began to notice the strangest of patterns-almost every other song I played mentioned Japan. It was pretty insane. If you don't believe me, than...
A) Shame one you, haven't you learned by now that I'm always right? B) Read the rest of this post. I'm sure you'll be convinced.
Some of the songs are more obvious than others. Take these three, you know they're going to be talking about Japan just by reading the title.
Here's song number one, which just to let you know, I'm in love with. Big In Japan by Alphaville
This song is just so perfect. But it really does rather put Japan in a negative light, but it does mention it, and thus fits in perfectly in this blog post.
Are you ready for obvious Japan song number two? This one, though it may not seem so, is slightly racey in my opinion. The song is Japanese Boy, by Aneka, one of the most famous English impersonator of a Japanese woman. And possibly the only one.
Isn't it great how she's as pale as snow and she's singing in a fake Japanese voice? And how the only possible description she can give of her boyfriend is that he's Japanese? But however racist the song may be, I still love it to bits and listen to it frequently.
The time has come for the last of our obvious Japan songs. It's really quite confusing, and makes no sense, but it says "Japanese" in a quazi-japanese accent about a hundred or so times, so it counts. Turning Japanes, by the Vapors.
What was with the English back then? Must they do an impression of a Japanese person? I wonder if this was a drug song...It really makes no sense. Any ideas?
Now here's a much less obvious song. You've probably heard this song before, and didn't even notice the Japan reference. At least, that was the case with me, until I started actually listening to the lyrics rather than just half listening half dancing. It's time for Lies by the Thompson Twins, a recent obsession of mine.
I hate to strau from the subject, but it wouldn't be like me at all if I didn't comment on how extraordinarily creepy this video is. Especially the whole creepy female version of Mike Score coming closer and closer to the screen, eyes wide open and clad with the face of an angry hobo.
That's all I could find that was embedable, there would've been more, but the mean people at you-tube took away the embeding options for most of the videos I wanted to share. Youtube executives, if you are reading this, then I hope your happy. You denied an innocent, handsome, and lovely teenage boy of fullfilment of his ingenious idea for a blog post.
On that happy note, I hope you enjoyed the few songs I COULD post. Hope you all have a lovely day.
Hello loyal followers! When I write a blog post, normally I choose to write it about something I found on the internet that made me chortle, or a strange photo, but today, I've decided to give you all the intense entertainment that only a post dedicated to me could generate. So please give a warm and hardy applause tooo...ME!!
So I'd like share with all of you a song, which, in addition to describing me perfectly, states a fact that most of my friends and family have pointed out to me, and that I fully agree, acknowledge, and am quite proud of. I won't tell you the title of the songs, as that would spoil the surprise, but I can say that the artists are Mr. Daryl Hall and John Oates.
I'm quite proud of being out of touch, at least music-wise, because the music of today is, quite frankly, disgusting. I suppose you could also I'm out of touch because I still use radio's that are powered by tubes, and listen to my transistor, and wear skinny ties, and...To spare you the exceedingly long list, I'll just make one blanket statement; Estetichally and audio-wise, I am very out of touch.
Well, there is much more to know about me, but that's one of the most important things about me, that I'm an old soul and all that. Hope you enjoyed the song and the post everybody!
Hello loyal followers! I'm sure everybody who is reading this at some time or another heard a song, that no matter how hard you try, you can never for the life of you decipher the lyrics. Often times, these songs drive you to insanity, to the point of pulling out your hair in frustration. So naturally, I want to show you some of these so you can suffer along with me!! It's almost like a game show, except if you actually understand what they're saying, their's no prizes. Or applause. But you can always applaud yourself, right?
Anyhow, let's go to round one. Can YOU hear what they're saying?
I'm now picturing the undoubtably shocked/confused look on your face. And possibly giggling at the thought. But anyhow, here are the official lyrics, which I seriously think were invented at the last minute.
there's an army
on the dancefloor
it's a fashion
with a gun my love
in a room
without a door
a kiss is not enough
in
love my way
it's a new road
i follow where
my mind goes
they'd put us
on a railroad
they'd dearly
make us pay
for laughing
in their faces
and making it our way
there's emptiness
behind their eyes
there's dust
in all their hearts
they just want to
steal us all
and take us all apart
but not in
love my way
it's a new road
i follow where
my mind goes
swallow all your tears my love
put on your new face
you can never win or lose
if you don't run the race
I'm confused too. Ready for round number two? Me neither! But the show must go on....
This one is slightly harder than the first one first one. I know, quite hard to believe isn't it?
The only thing I can understand is the chorus, and not even all of that either. Now, let's reveal the lyrics. Prepare to be shocked.
Poor old Johnny Ray
Sounded sad upon the radio, he moved a million hearts in mono.
Our mothers cried and sang along and who'd blame them.
Now you're grown, so grown, now I must say more than ever.
Go Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye
and we can sing just like our fathers.
Come on Eileen,
I swear (well he means) At this moment you mean everything,
With you in that dress my thoughts I confess verge on dirty
Ah come on Eileen.
These people round here wear beaten down eyes
Sunk in smoke dried faces they're so resigned to what their fate is,
But not us, no not us we are far too young and clever.
Remember Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye
Eileen I'll hum this tune forever.
Come on Eileen, I swear, well he means
Ah come on let's take off everything,
That pretty red dress Eileen (Tell him yes)
I wonder if these lyrics are supposed to make sense, because if so, it's not working out.....
Time for our third and final round of confusing, and physically impossible to understand lyrics. Oh Come on.... You don't have to look so happy!
Here's the video! Good luck. Your going to need it....
Well, as some of my facebook connected readers may know, I've taken quite ill all this week. It's funny in a way, because I always look forward to sick days, and long cozy days under my most comfortable blanket, but always conveniently forget that being sick hurts. Isn't that the way? Well, there's always a bright side to these matters, and my bright side is that I've gotten a lot more time to write in my blog! I do hope your not all sick of my bi-daily posts that I've recently taken to writing. So anyhow, I just felt like a grumble and a giggle, and I hope I gave you the latter.
As many of those who are especially close to me, remakes of incredible songs make me angry to the point of forming green skin, and turning my trousers into short shorts. What especially makes me angry is when the new remake is so unbearably annoying that you have trouble listening through the whole thing. This most tragic of events recently happened to me, while looking up one of my favorite songs, Self Control by Laura Branigan, and I found not only one but TWO horrible remakes.
In case you don't know the beautiful original song, here it is.
Wow. That is one incredible song.
And here's a not so incredible version of it, sang in Hindi. I kid you not.
If that's not the most annoying thing I ever heard, I don't know what is. I also want to know why a badly dressed woman with obviously fake curls is dancing around a warehouse full of giant ice-cubes, while singing to an excersize obsessed man who is clearly ignoring her. Maybe it's an Indian thing...
Time for remake number two! what especially bothers me about this one is how they turned an incredible pop song into one that you'd expect to hear at a seedy strip club.
I mean, seriously, what guy wears a fish-net shirt? And what girl is attracted by men wearing fish-net shirts? That'd be a bit of a turn off for me, at least. Another thing that bothers me is how ugly the main singer is, and yet all those random "creatures of the night" want her desperately. What's so special about her?
Thank you all for listening to my angry rant! I do hope you all agree with me, because if you don't, I'm afraid I'll have to excommunicate you from my life. On that happy note, have a great day!
As most of you (hopefully) know, today is Monday. As I also hope you know, it is the worst day of the week. What's that you say? You say it's a chance for a fresh new week? A new start? Well I say Hum-bug! We are a culture who have always besmirched Mondays, and we (and me!) don't intend to stop now. To prove all those who oppose of my undoubtably correct opinion, here are a couple of musical numbers to back me up, and really, who can argue with those?
The first song that comes to mind is "Manic Monday" by the Bangles.
Like those five charming ladies, I too wish that it were Sunday. So very, very badly. But then again, I'd much rather it were saturday, but that wouldn't rhyme, now would it?
If that lovely song didn't convince you of my point, then...
a) SHAME ON YOU!
b) WHY NOT?!
c) Prepare yourself for another song!
This one is from the incredible post-punk band ever, New Order.
It's all in the name people! Though I'm not quite sure if it's all in the lyrics...but back to the point! Blue equals sad right? And sad=bad! Hence, one could construe the song to mean that Mondays are the true root of all evil.
Our third, and arguably best song is "I don't like Mondays"
Need I even make a point here? Not only do people not like Mondays, as is evident in the song title, but it leads you to commit hainus acts of murder. If that doesn't convince you I don't know what will.
Well, that's all for today everybody, hope you all had a lot of fun reading, and that I brightened you undoubtably dull and tiresome Monday.
Many of us have seen it-ads that simply make you think "Gosh, if those were on today...." I recently found some prime example of these, in it's most pure (or should I say impure?) form. Yes my friends, they are old cigarette commercials! No applause? Very well then....let's begin.
Here's our first smoky specimen, this one with some extra Christmas cheer.
First off, let me start with the giant purple gorilla in the room. What kind of a cheap good-for-nothing buys somebody a cheap pack of cigarettes for christmas? That doesn't even qualify as a stocking stuffer! Plus, your basically giving somebody lung cancer for Christmas, and that certainly doesn't put me in the mood for caroling and merry making.
Up next in our cough inducing agenda is this lovely commercial. Let's see if any of you can guess why it was banned....
Seriously? That was not "kool". This is almost as bad as Joe Camel! You've got to love how truly evil the old corporations used to be. What I find strange about the commercial is how the other child was leaning inside the jacket of the other kid. What in the world was that for?
Our final video is a classic.
Well that totally takes away all former fears I used to have about cigarettes. I mean, now that I know that our wise doctors smoke, I think I might take it up myself! But seriously, this has to be the commercial that time has treated the worst. Wouldn't it be just awful having your doctor puffing smoke in your face during your examination?
Thank goodness smoking has been banned on the air-waves, I couldn't stand having to hear the drible the cigarette companies had to offer us.
It seems that every time I see an old picture of a housewife, the lady in question always looks so disgustingly, nauseatingly happy. What do they have to be happy about? They slaved in a kitchen all day, cleaned after every possible type of mess, and take care of the children. So why smile? They have nothing to smile about! Here are some shining examples of unnecessary happiness.
Who gets so excited over cleaning a pan? It's happiness to the point where it almost looks psychotic. Any minute now, that housewife is going to take that pan she loves so much, go to her car-cleaning husband who she doesn't love so much, and smack him like theres no tomorrow.
Our second cheery housewife, who's been busy mixing some type of strange food for the last sixty years or so, is very creep...err...enthusiastic to meet you. I have a very disturbing feeling that whatever it is she's holding is laden with large amounts of arsenic. It's either that, or a quite different, more "happy" (or halucinagenic...) type of drug.
While our prior housewife was perhaps a bit too claculating, our next one is a bit too...how do I put this gently...laissez faire. for all you non polygots out there, that means devil may care.
I mean, just look at how precariously placed that cake is! It's going to fall at any minute, and there she is, never ceasing to smile, despite her fate. It almost makes me angry.
I can understand smiling while your cooking, as it can often times be great fun. What I most certainly do not understand is smiling while your cleaning. Observe this ray of sunshine over here, mopping away, smiling as if she had just won the publishers clearing house award.
What is soo funny about cleaning a floor? I certainly wouldn't be so happy, cleaning a hideous looking floor, that no matter how clean it gets, will always look disgusting. I also have to mention that the bright pink, puffy apron she's wearing makes her look like she has thunder thighs, giving her even more reason to have a frown on her face.
I don't get these crazy women. Maybe they're being helped out by "Mother's Little Helper" AKA Valium. That must be it, for I can't fathom any other reason. Hope you all liked the post!
Not only is eighties pop extremely entertaining and infectiously catchy, but it's also quite educational! You most likely at this moment are thinking "Silly, silly Max! What possibly could you learn from that?" with a slight smile. Well, all you neigh-saying followers, I shall prove you wrong, with this intensely lovely list of what I've learned from this fantastic style of music.
1. Don't EVER release ninety-nine red balloons at the same time, lest you start a horrific global nuclear war.
2. Don't leave your home, or a crazed and angry Allison Moyet will come after you. I fancy your chances for escape are next to none.
3. Though its where-abouts are unknown, the look of love is the one thing in the world that "still holds true"
4. No matter what you do, you must continue to feel fascination.
5. Don't trust anybody who doesn't like Mondays.
6. When hosting a dinner party, never place a defunct radio star next to a video producer. This is bound to start a quite uncomfortable fight.
7. The absolute ONLY way to live is in cars. That, and in strange pyramid-like neon structures.
8. The history of the United States as told by a family who lives forever in a kitchen.
9. If you do not call Deborah Herry, she will yell at you. Even louder than she does in the song.
10. If you want to get things done, don't mess with Major Tom.
You know those songs you hear, that you just innocently sing along too, only to find out at a later time the TRUE meaning of the song? It's just awful how the artists of these songs try to hide it, with catchy beats, danceable synthesizer riffs, and seemingly happy and upbeat lyrics. Then, inevitably, you start quietly singing one of these songs, not even really thinking about it, while doing some chores or something, and then your parents )or significant other, or whomever you share a home with) tell you, in a quite awkward conversation, the true meaning of the song. Then, of course, the song is forever ruined, and constantly skipped in your ipod.
Well, this post is dedicated to those, so I can ruin a couple of songs for you! Partially for purposes of revenge. Wee!
Anywho... here's song number one. With it's catchy piano, and cutesy-clapping, you'd never guess this song is about...
Twelve children being cold heartedly murdered by an insane sixteen year old! Isn't that peachy keen?
Song number two! This song was very popular during the mid eighties, and is infectuously catchy. Just as a fair warning for all of my loyal followers, this song will most likely be stuck in your head for years to come. Enjoy!! It's Your Love, by the Outfield
I rememer one day, I put this song on in the car, and I was just singing along when my dad said "What an awful song!! Have you ever heard the lyrics? Then the light bulb came on. I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOUR LOVE TONIGHT?!?!?! Isn't that what people say to prostitutes? It's possibly the most chauvinistic song ever written.
Here's another song that my dad ruined for me. Well, he didn't really, because I've never been fond of the song myself. So here we are, with Afternoon delight.
First off, I wouldn't be me if I didn't comment on how hilarious "David Cassidy" (whoever he was) looked like. What was he thinking with those awful colors on the set? And what in the world is with having those random jukeboxes in the middle of the stage? Now for the song. I was listening to this song on my ipod speaker, and I commented to my dad "Isn't it weird they made a whole song about eating lunch? I guess it was a more innocent time back them... He then proceeded to tell me that it wasn't at all about eating lunch, but about having sex in the afternoon. Isn't that pleasant? What really bothers me about that is that in one of the lyrics it says "My mother always told me when it's right it's right, why wait until the middle of a cold dark night" what an awkward conversation to have your mom! Who even talks about what time it's best to you know what to anyone, especially their mother! I'd call child services on that woman.
Well here's our penultimate, and possibly most traumatic for me, She Bop by Cyndi Lauper. Let me tell you right now, it's not about dancing.
It's about....hmmm.... how can I say this gently for my more sensitive readers? Ms. Lauper is...having some fun with herself.
Here's my final song for the day, which masquerades as a sweet song of forgiveness. Then you notice the lyrics.....
Human League - Human Uploaded by hushhush112. - Watch more music videos, in HD! So let me get this straight. So because your human, you HAD to cheat on your girlfriend. That is the lamest excuse ever. I can just see that conversation...."Well honey, I mean you were gone for a full WEEK! What was I supposed to do?" Ughh......
Hope you enjoyed my post today, and next time you listen to your favorite songs, listen to the lyrics too. You might be unpleasantly surprised....
Hello loyal followers! I'd like for you to meet my new friend, Box. We met on the set of Logans Run (a lovely film by the way), and we immediately hit it off. Okay, so he might've tried to freeze me with his gun hand, but water under the bridge, right? I know you'll just love him, he's just the nicest guy...So I brought him in for all of you to meet him!
Box, say hi to all my followers!
BOX! We went over this! This is NOT how we greet our friends. Put.The.Gun.Down. We don't kill our friends! What do you mean why not? Box, your scaring away all my followers, now be nice! Why don't you show them your collection? I'm sure they'll like that! Oh God! No! I meant your stamp collection, not your frozen person collection! Are you alway this creepy?
Uhh...Sorry guys, I guess he's having a bad day. Now there's several things I don't understand about our friend Box here. First of all, what person thought that a giant, oddly shaped, toaster-like robot who has an arm that freezes people was a good idea? What purpose could that ever serve?? I can really say that he is the most innecessary "actor" in the world.
So I was trapsing about the internet the other day, and I found this retro futuristic gem. The moment I saw it in google images, I knew that this would lead to a (hopefully) fantastic blog post. Many questions arise when I see this photo, mainly being-
A) Why is the TV still so tiny even thought it's the future?
B) Why do the windows look into a pool? Wouldn't that make for a sort of dark space? and...
C) What in the God's name is that woman so shocked about?
I have a theory about C: I think that she's shocked/and or dissapointed that her sons wearing scuba glasses to a pool. I'd be too, that kid has to have a screw or too loose. It's either that, or she's seriously shocked at what's happening in that baseball game they're showing on TV. I highly doubt that second one seeing that she's facing the opposite direction of the television, and that's the pictures too small for her to tell whats happening.
Next up in the lineup of retro futuristic madness is the Fridgidaire and "Land of Tomorrow" kitchen of the future. This first clip really made me laugh, because of it's sheer stupidity.
Apparently, the kitchen of the future requires modern dance, and a talent in quick changing. I also love the greenish, droopy, and depressing picture of how the cake is going to turn out. If that is how my cake was turning out I'd be pretty bummed out. Another thing that concerns me about the Frigidaire kitchen of the future is how long that cake took to cook! I mean, if she had time to play tennis, eighteen holes of golf, and get back to the house and change back into that strange house dress of heres, that would've taken at least three and a half hours! Some technology that kitchen has....
As for the "Tomorrow land house of the future" (that's a mouthful) kitchen, there's so much to say. First off, why is the dishwasher
a) on the counter,
b) why do you store all your plates in their constantly, and
c) WHY DO YOU HAVE ALL THOSE WHITE PITCHERS IN THERE!!! I mean how many could you need, you only have one child, and you don't run a hotel or anything like that, so why all the pitchers?
Secondly, why do you need a refrigerator for irradiated food? Why would you even bother to keep irradiated food when you have two other refrigerat.... I mean "cold zones" with perfectly fresh food? How did the food get irradiated in the first place!? So many frustrating things about this kitchen, not even mentioning the butt ugly kitchen. I would definitely hate having all plastic everything, not only is it tacky, but also quite ugly! But I guess it matches the rest of the kitchen... I wouldn't cook in that kitchen if they payed me to do it. Well... maybe I would, depending on the price, I suppose.
Here's my last piece of Crazy Retro Futurism, a fantastic depiction of driving home IN THE FUTURE!
They always manage to make everything in the future look so exciting! Even just driving your car home. I don't care if we're driving in a giant rocket like hover car, it's just driving home so relax! That means YOU little girl in the hover craft.
Well that's it for today, sorry for not posting in forever, hope you enjoyed the post!
My loyal followers, I'd like to introduce you to the world's absolute creepiest robotic servant, Ms. Katrina Van Televox!!
Now, when I look at this, there is one glaring question in my mind; Why in the world is she dressed up like a demented quaker lady? I mean, she even has a bonnet, for Christ's sake! First, you would only wear a bonnet if your married, and she is a Ms. Televox after-all, and second of all, wasn't the whole "wear a bonnet" thing over by 1930 (the year of the creation of Ms. Televox)?
While on the subject of Ms. Televox's civil status, it slightly unnerves me that she is single. Why you ask? Because If I start thinking of her looking for a Mr. Televox, (Which does actually exist by the way, along with a child televox) and then, If I'm thinking about that, I have to think about how she gives birth to the little child televoxes which is just plain old creepy, no?
I don't know if it's just me, but does Ms. Televox not look like she want's to slip something in your drink? I think it's that mischevious look in her unblinking eyes that seems to say "I hate you, humanoid, DIE" Yep, that Ms. Televox would be the first to turn on you when the robot revolution begins, and unlike the robots in "I, Robot", she wouldn't waste any time scaring us with curfews and threats. Nope, she'd just go straight for the kill. If I had her in my house, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.
So, I'd definitely never by her, especially at the wopping price of 22,000, which, in her day, would mean about ninety thousand dollars today. Would you buy Ms. Televox? Please comment with your opinions
I have a very disturbing feeling that whatever it is she's holding is laden with large amounts of arsenic. It's either that, or a quite different, more "happy" (or halucinagenic...) type of drug. 
